The hard drive was infected on Saturday with a virus. The scapegoat is me, of course. But it's not really me! I didn't go on any crazy sites or downloaded anything. Anyway, the hard drive is back on Tuesday (yesterday). Without the Internet and without my addictions, I thought of suicide so often! I was going crazy. I needed my addictions. It helps me stop feeling empty, low, and suicidal. I had a different addiction- shopping. It started about two weeks ago. I had Chinese New Year money and went to Wal-Mart. When I realized how quickly I spent my money, I needed more. I needed more new clothes and more earrings. Shopping doesn't give me a rush or a high like it used to. It makes me feel burden and confused. Sometimes I wondered if I should get a refund on an item. I returned a pair of tacky dangly earrings that I'll spent $ 5 on at Wal-Mart. I remembered I skipped school that day. I get confused wondering if I should get a refund and if this item will really satisfied me. Most times I wished that I did get a refund. I don't feel happier by shopping.

Mom and dad gave me a lot of money in the two weeks that followed (about $70 in different time periods. I strategied that the money must come from an individual parent. For example, dad will give me $ 20 in the morning and mom $ 10 in the evening). I felt that I should get a job, but I can't. I don't even know where to begin. So I went shopping. I can't stop and I think that I have an addiction because I ask both parents three times a week for money. I enjoyed going out, although I feel that I should learn to drive or hail a cab.

Last week, on Friday, I stopped shopping. I went to Target and there were a bunch of hypoallergenic earrings. I looked at the price and felt that it is too much to spent for a pair of earrings. I did not buy earrings. I bought a jean jacket and a $1.00 allergy medication. (Spring was on Friday, March 20.) I went nuts along with the removal of my other addiction (Internet addiction). I felt like crying. I felt like dying.

I wanted to make my jewelry and sell it so other people who came from low-income families doesn't feel as disappointed as I did. I realized that what if someone steals the earrings that I've made. Crazy idea, I know.

One thing lead to another.

I shoplifted a pair of earrings today at Wal-Mart.  I needed a pair of hypoallergenic earrings that I could sleep in. the hole wouldn't close up, and I've decided that the earrings would be really tiny.

I lost an earring at Target on Friday. I decided to take one stud out of the pack, and drop it in my purse. Yes, it's the same exact ones and they never went out of stock for that particular pair of earrings.

I scanned to see if the pair of earrings that I wanted were still there. Eureka! I looked at the back of the package. I pulled the back and took the stud out. I dropped it in my pocket. I scanned to see if thee are any tiny studs that strikes my fancy. I pulled both out and proceeded to drop it in my pocket.

I didn't get caught. It feels so great! Now I don't have to spend so much money on clothes and jewelry. Why? WHY did I spent that much on clothes? I'll need to get a refund on one of the dresses that I bought, get my money back, and steal the dress from the racks.

I've even had an idea to steal a bra by wearing it, remove the tag, and walking out of the store.

I need more jewelry to steal. I feel exhilarating. I feel a rush coming on. I feel good. I'm on a high when I steal.  I want more. I want to steal and shoplift. I don't feel any guilt. I need to steal some more.